On Gross Things: I'm a Freaking Coward

I really can't stomach looking at gross things. And yes, I do know that most people can't. And I might be wrong in thinking I'm worse than most- in fact, I almost certainly am wrong. But I just think it's really distressing.

What brought this to my attention was my presentation on child labor during the Industrial Revolution in England for my Honors World History class. I was looking for pictures because it's a powerpoint and it NEEDS A LOT OF PICTURES. But the thing is, I was too damn scared to search for pictures of the accidents that happened in the factories because I was too squeamish to look at whatever showed up. And you know, when I was looking up "industrial revolution child labor england", I was terrified every single time I scrolled down to view the next images because I thought they might be gross. And I think that's really pathetic because these people had to go through losing a limb or whatever and had to live with it every day, and I can't even look at them. Who am I to not want to look at them? Or to take one glance and run away as fast as I can? I should sit here and stare at those pictures and think about how freaking awful it must have been and have the courage to put myself in their place. But I can't. It's freaking disgusting. Well as it turns out, I found a pretty bearable photo of a bunch of child laborers who lost limbs (below), but that just makes it worse. Because I'm relieved that I found a non-graphic image, and now I don't have to risk seeing any more. I hate myself for that.

But the thing is, I don't get it. I can read extreme gore, and my imagination creates grosser images than those I'm scared of. And drawings aren't that bad, either. But when I see an actual picture or hear about something horrible, I feel like I'm suffocating. My throat feels like it's being squeezed, and I don't know how to get rid of it. What makes it worse is when I'm wearing a necklace at the time; it feels like it's getting tighter and tighter and tighter, even after I take it off. Sometimes, I think that maybe this sensation I get is what I'm scared of, not the actual images. But then again, maybe this just is a way of expressing my fear. And so even if this went away, it wouldn't make me any braver.

~Ellen~